Who doesn’t like going to a bar to pound seven shots of pure-grade agave tequila before driving back home to your husband and twins? Probably those in the AA cult but those cretins are just 100 percent bummers. We get it. You have a problem with alcohol. We understood this after the 17th story about your “lowest point in life.” But, those who actually enjoy the simple pleasures of life, will be ecstatic to receive a text from their friend(s) to partake in legal poison. However, trying to make more cronies while out with your current friend(s) is a tricky minefield to wade through because of the wide-range of emotions one may feel; from both friend(s) and/or potential friend(s). 

For instance, your present friend(s) may be upset you are “abandoning” them for strangers who don’t have telekinetic powers and will ruin any chance of a platonic relationship forming through belligerent intoxication. Examples include throwing cigarettes in their open mouth; bringing out a little baggy concoction of Krokodil and bath salts; discussing the amount of money they’ll make were the desired peers to invest in their one-of-a-kind food truck; and/or explaining why the Joker is the king of alpha male attitude. Although, while small, there is the chance your existing friend(s) may actually want to meet new individuals they can take aromantic body shots from but the people you are trying to engage are just not wanting to be part of a conversation. 

These future comrades may see your desire of interacting with them as an affront to their personal time. They may want to be left alone and not have a bunch of creeps try to ask them what their infinity tattoo means. You know what it means. We all know what it means. It’s a badge of basicness. Now, they may go the bland route and just tell you they want to be left alone to conversate with their present-day allies. However, were things to go completely awry, there is also the subtle chance they become enraged, throw their drink at you, put out their smoke on your forehead, bash your back in with a billiard stick, draw genitals on your unconscious body, steal your license, find your home, and steal your dog(s). So, to avoid all of this, try to avoid meeting new companions at bars.

Parties, though, are considered the perfect place to meet lifelong coke runners. After all, it’s where you can exchange pleasantries with those who are similar to you or your friend(s) hosting the party. These individuals may have different occupations and hobbies, but they are most likely compatible with you because of your mutual peers. However, their priorities as to why they are there may not be perpendicular with your own motives. A lot of the times, these celebrations are a front for pyramid schemes. They bring you in with the promise of Molly and Ketamine, but, when you get there, they suddenly “can’t break the law.” They compensate this lie with gargantuan amounts of flirting and liquor, but they’ll make you sit down on their grimey couch they found on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive and explain why all of the weight loss tricks out there are inefficient in what they do because they don’t include a chemical they trademarked. Troboridine sounds like an authoritative word to believe in, but I’m pretty sure it’s from the language of Klingon. Don’t be deceived from their tricks of candy and party favors, avoid going to parties for the purpose of meeting people. Go to parties to steal.

Have you ever been to an Apple store? Seeing all of those wealthy and privileged groups look at exorbitant machinery allowing seamless usability? Investigating the difference between each Apple Watch variation? Questioning why everyone looks so happy to be in an environment promoting both minimalism and maximalism? It’s wonderful. Don’t believe me? Go talk to an Appler right now. They will describe their iPhone as if the artifact is maintaining peace between Palestine and Israel, and, well, let’s just say one side isn’t going to be around for much longer. There is not one person in there who isn’t excited to open their new iPhone or type out a nonsensical article on their fresh 16” Macbook Pro. 

You start off asking your interactive display neighbor what their favorite iPhone color is and, next thing you know, you are watching a donkey show in seedier parts of your town. You might not even remember how you got there after a powder is blown into your face. It might be concerning to be in a fresh suit when you were originally in a tank top and luxury streetwear shorts, but you, most likely, shouldn’t panic since your new ally recorded the whole adventure. However, you must avoid mentioning Google in their presence. Despite the pleasantries of this exchange, this populace want to use the “new” iPhone features in the hope of highlighting their superiority over Andriod users. Regardless of your belief in hierarchies, there is a place where this concept is deeply ingrained into our society: police stations.

“Serve and Protect”? More like “SEEEEEErve and Brotect”! They may be hired to keep our neighborhoods quiet, but their policing has only caused rowdier communities to appear. As a matter of fact, when collected for testing, you will find whole civilizations within their facilities. The pals within these installations desperately want to meet new folks with a desire to spice up their life. There is the coolest member of the group, the leader, then the person who the leader divulges all teachings and inspirational quotes to, the right hand man, then there are the people who ensure the leader’s declarations are carried out, the right hand man’s right hands, and, finally, those who hear the word on the street and report back what they find, the right hand man’s right hands’ left hands. These communities are explicitly only located inside police stations and you must have a strong determination to build brotherly bonds. They even provide friendship tattoos for their compatriots and group up to fight off ramen invaders. Plus, the officers frequenting these realms will treat you with the respect you deserve and ensure everyone is having the times of their lives. If not, the management of fun will agree to place the solemn in a room covered in mattresses so you can really go all out. But, if you want to avoid engaging with those who will never know the warmth of a weighted blanket, then, simply enough, consider talking to your neighbors.

Before you start ranting contradictions about how your neighbor is a liberal communist, consider the chance of meeting someone who can completely change your life with interest, passion, and kindness. They are just waiting for someone to ring their door and introduce them to a night out or to stay inside and bond over each other’s problematic childhoods. Your neighbor can be your best friend. After all, you spend so much time sitting next to them, why not try to make it a little more fun during your day of relaxation? You know where they live so you don’t have to pull out any of your AirTags or tracking malware normally utilized. Just knock on your neighbor’s door, ask them for some sugar, and let the improvisation machine start working. If one doesn’t work, go to the other side. If that doesn’t work, go to the one in front of you. If that doesn’t work, go Northwest. If that doesn’t work, go Northeast. If that doesn’t work, go slightly more East when heading North. There is no shortage of neighbors. 

Think about it. Do you know of any streets where a person doesn’t have a neighbor? The last time someone was isolated from the rest of the world we were given Frida Kahlo and Nikola Tesla, and what have they done for us? Modernize unibrows and harness electricity? First off, unibrows haven’t been in style since we learned how to make fire. Second off, electricity was already invented by Benjamin Franklin. Isolation is an unhealthy habit capable of turning you into a faux celebrity who people secretly laugh at when you leave a room.

However, if you want to meet a group of individuals who love extracurriculars than you should consider your grandma’s last spot in life: a hospice room. Those final breathes are crucial in forming core memories you can lay awake til 3 in the morning remembering, but you could augment them to be scenes you will share with future filmmakers eventually going on to win awards from unnecessary award shows. How is this possible? The elders in this facility are waiting for the sweet embrace of the frigid being transporting spirits to their new destination. They want to change up their daily routine in the hope of experiencing something enigmatically eye-opening. Plus, it doesn’t take much to get these old souls excited. But, this doesn’t mean you should be going for the bare minimum. Be a North Korean Ph.D candidate wanting to explain the importance of censorship in a community encouraging rampantly thoughtless free speech. 

Engaging. 

Creative. 

Persistent. 

Show these raisins what it means to be alive for the last time. Your interactive activity may only allow you to gain temporary compatriots, but, through networking at funerals, you may meet likeminded individuals who just want to explore the world and have fun. You may even land yourself a sugar daddy or sugar mommy. Put the fun back in funeral with a few quips, a lengthy eulogy, and a variety of one-of-a-kind props even Carrot Top hasn’t dreamed of. But, the biggest reason you should consider hanging around hospice rooms is because, with their last moments being restrained to these locations, they are more willing to share the horrible actions they did throughout their life. So many of those near-death have confessed to murders, robberies, assaults, and other abhorrent behaviors, which will make your brain, the sponge it is, an encyclopedia of original stories you can share with your future Hinge dates. I would say friends, but you’re here.

While these are impressive locations for funtitude, there are other areas within your small town where the potential amigo population is rampant. But, these discussed locations are your best bets when it comes to meeting new and innovative playmates. Don’t freak out about not having a best man or groomsmen. Take the advice shared here to garner a laundry list of names you can title as friends. Trust me. I have a degree in communications.