They’re pretty badass: tattoos. You are stabbing yourself with a plethora of needles, a thorn on a stick, or a screwdriver that was recently inside someone repeatedly until the ink penetrates deep enough into your skin. Unless you swim in the ocean right away or go through a phase of pyro-masochism, it’s unlikely your hues will ever disappear. Being tattooed is a permanent reminder of an interest you have, a memory of those you cherish, and/or a time you decided, in a drunken stupor, your body needed more glamour. However, the reasons people purchase tattoos have varied over the years.Previous Tattoo Meanings

Tattoos have been around for tens of thousands of years and were carved into skin for a saturated amount of reasons. They were usually associated with criminal and dangerous behaviors. For instance, one of the most common causes for a tattoo was to brand a person’s body. It announced to the world how absolutely violent they were. They didn’t need to tell people how much of a warrior they were, they just killed a guy and put the animation on their body to warn others of their completely unhinged behavior. Whether you were a Polynesian contender for conqueror status, a skinhead announcing their dedication to a homogenous singularity, or a seaman for the East India Company, you obtained ink to notify others of how far you’ve been and what you’ve done.

Others marked their bodies to let virgin-skinneds know how much they were not to be trusted. Australians had these markings to holler their criminal record; the Japanese had these markings to yodel their criminal record; and the French had these markings to scream their criminal record. In short, tattoos were originally and mostly associated with sanctioned murderers and unsanctioned murderers. If you lived in the past and wanted a tattoo, you should probably follow the former’s route.

However, there were some slightly different historical reasons why people paid money to have their bodies soiled. You might have become an adult and wanted to remind people how fuckable you were. You may have gotten a tattoo to notify everyone how unfuckable you were. You might have been honored with the prestige of commanding a community. You might have been a member of a clan who believed in complete, devotional fraternal and familial bonding. The past is filled with contradictory reasons to ruin your succulent flesh. Is modern-day tattooing that much different?

The Hunger for Tattoos

In the United States of America — the only country that matters — 32% of Americans have at least one tattoo. The rest listen to the FDA to prevent toxicity from entering their internal systems. The non-inked have faith their vanilla lifestyle will bring them an inner peace you won’t find were you to be tattooed. But why do 32% of Americans stain their porcelain human hide? Because they were neglected as a child? Maybe. But for the most part, it ultimately comes down to their hunger. Their horrifically insatiable cravings that will never disappear no matter how much money they throw into the hominid abyss.

Hunger for Individuality

Americans — the nationality with the best characteristics — have an unending hunger for being unique. They want to be the only notable person in the room among a horde of sheep who follow orders without any forethought about the consequences. They want a symbol lambasted on their moisturized leather to signify their importance; their strong desire to be the quirkiest person one may ever meet. These individualistic hungry individuals want their tattoos to identify them as individuals you will never forget; no matter how much you try. You will never discount their hometown area code, their last name, or their favorite bible quote. These simple identifiers will be cemented into your consciousness for an eternity. Even as your body decomposes, you will only think about Patricia’s original and metaphorical reason for living: Mickey Mouse.

Hunger for Fame

Many Americans — the strongest demographic of people throughout history — hunger to be known by all. Yes, they strive to be a unique individual you won’t ever replicate but they also long to be one of the many humans who are known and beloved by all. Their hunger for fame won’t ever be quenched but their belief their next tattoo will be photographed by their artist and seen by an agent who is casting the next Morbius movie is seasoned with lust. Seeing their tasty pin-up of Andy Dick will enlighten you about their craving for product deals and sponsorships you only find on TikTok. Next time they try to record a song at a concert, don’t shame them. They need this attention. Prevent another mass shooting today by remembering, complimenting, and sharing their colorful engraving on your social media handles every third Thursday of the month.

Hunger for Vengeance

Americans — the nation filled with excessively compassionate individuals — believe in equality to unseemly levels. They know how important it is for fairness to be present in everyone’s life, which is why so many of them devastate their organic coating with drawings of what they plan to do to the people who have wronged them. They need to avenge their fallen mother, their silenced sister, their eviscerated infant, their vanished best friend, their liquidated father. Should they be calling the police? Probably not if they are anything but a straight, white, neurotypical male. Sure, some change may occur but being invisible is even better. They will be able to perform their vengeance and won’t be noticed by others. Having penetrated their crust with what they plan to do to this inconsequential heap of mediocrity is enough to keep them on track, especially if they have Alzheimer’s. These images aren’t just a constant reminder of why they have been hunting down this abhorrence for years, but how they will also celebrate when they bring balance to the natural order of things.

Hunger for Community

Americans — the utmost infectious population — love to feel they are connected to one another. They want to be loved by all and want to be part of a neighborhood of like-minded cohorts who enjoy the same things as them. Conventions are constantly filled with men and women who have never showered, especially their special areas, but still enjoy each other’s presence. Game shops are popular locations for gamers to meet their next abuse victim. Even churches/mosques/temples are pivotal spots to meet other brainwashed congregates who long for death. Tattoos are nothing more than humane-billboards highlighting why they are someone you should engage in conversation with. Those with tattoos want people to know about their obsession for high school students with superpowers, a lion who was penetrated by a clock, or an offensive sport team name, so you come up to them and talk about their interests. This loneliness is obscenely powerful, which is why they degrade the quality of their meat for this companionship.

Don’t Talk To Me About Tattoos

There are all kinds of reasons people tattoo their bodies; primarily a hunger for individuality, fame, vengeance, and/or community. However, despite being an American, I have no cravings for these elements. Why do I have tattoos? It’s simple, I got them because [REDACTED]. But, this doesn’t mean I want to talk to you about them, despite how absolutely sick they are. This isn’t because I’m some kind of introvert who despises other humans. No, I don’t want to talk to people about tattoos after seeing mine for three incredibly pertinent reasons.

First, it causes people to mansplain their lives to me. I don’t care that you haven’t gotten one because you don’t know what to get. It’s not hard to think of something to get. What are you scared of? It being permanent? It making you look like a sick ass elder? It becoming a problematic symbol later in life? None of that matters and talking to me about what you are potentially thinking about won’t convince you to take the leap. However, the people who do have something in mind but aren’t willing to spend money to fortify their look, most of the time, want something more basic than a rich white woman joining a fraternity/sorority at the University of Alabama. Oh, you’re getting an infinity symbol? Nice. Oh, you’re thinking of putting a heart in the middle of the infinity symbol? Cool. Oh, you’re going to buy an infinity symbol with fish imagery? Blitzing. It’s never something unique; it’s always the same tattoo everyone else has and I can’t care any more than 0.0000001. Is this saying I slightly do care? Shut the fuck up.

Second, if you think I have cool tattoos, awesome, but don’t just start grabbing my body and prodding it with your gangrene fingers. My tattoos are not an open invitation to start analyzing my appearance as if you are a museum historian trying to decipher a code from the Sumerian Empire. It’s “Get Fucked” but morphed into an abstract painting, not a pathway to finding the elixir of youth. I get wanting to see what beautiful art looks like, however, my infatuation with the artform does not equal wanting my body to be the center of attention. There’s nothing on my body capable of helping you with your next design and nothing worth staring at my body for longer than five seconds. Treat my body you would an OnlyFans starlet; look from an appropriate distance but you have to pay an exorbitant number to touch.

Finally, I know what you are truly hoping would come out of this exchange: the purchase of extracurricular motivations. I have no process or desire to illegally prescribe you a dosage of Xanax or water-solvent snow. The times have passed. People with body art aren’t ne’er-do-wells who thrive on the life of crime. We may have a hunger, but it’s not to cause havoc against the justice system. It’s already messed up as it is and the current stigmas toward tattoos still exist. This complication will surely result in parts of our lives being spent in the darkly tides of gangs, white supremacy, and nonconsensual power bottoms. These permanent pieces of work would only make it easier to identify us, why make it easier for the oligarchs to target us? We already don’t do well in normal settings; prisons would just heighten the discomfort. We just want to belong and feel loved, not be beat with a sock of soap bars.

Let Me Be Inked In Peace

I love tattoos and I love the different styles out there. Each one is filled with a long history and cultural messages. This does not mean I care about your hunger, though. I do not want to hear about your ideas. I am not excited to show you every inch of my skin. I am not a museum. I may have paid large quantities of money to layer my skin with various shades of paint, but I am not someone you can just walk up and tell your life story to. Those who are connoisseurs of permanent symbolism are polite but we are all thinking the same thing: “Let us live our lives without spit being spewed from your facial orifice.” We do not want COVID nor do we want to share the reason for our tattoos. Play it safe and just assume we had an extra $500 needing to be spent.