Santa Claus is the perfect model to emulate. He understands what’s genuinely important in life and it’s the collection of currency. This is why kids who are better off in their finances acquire more extravagant presents while the kin of adults who need to work four jobs are left with a shoehorn. They don’t even own shoes and this tulpa teases them with something they will never be able to use. Sure, Toms exist but would you be caught rocking those? Even the supposed people they help wouldn’t be seen filling them out.

It’s a fact, poor people—in Santa’s eyes—are worse than pedophiles. Pedophiles at least bring something to society; money. Don’t get me wrong. Pedophiles should be castrated like the peasants of ancient China or the forgotten choir boys in Italy. Their existence is pain and they do nothing but erode the sanctity of every place they reside.

However, money is still the utmost vitality to have a lot of. Look at Jimmy Saville. He regularly violated and raped teenage girls but never went to prison. Why? He brings in an income higher than the people who watched him will ever achieve in their lifetime. The hoarding of money is something the brightest minds have and will continue to preach. There’s a reason galactic explorers, like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, are beloved. Who cares about the time the city constructed a bridge for the elderly; they’re going to die before they see it completed. Let’s partake in something people truly want to see; the mass hoarding of wealth.

Santa Claus loves seeing extravagance, which is why children living in three-story homes usually receive some of the newest toys around. The younglings birthed from the woman working only ten hours a week deserve these diverse and powerful games. These little ones must have a Nintendo Switch for play and one for work.

These children deserve to live in luxury because their parents are entrepreneurs exploiting the lower classes. Plus, they participate in social programs bettering our communities. Crazy rager when the parents are gone? Check. Throwing pennies off the bridge while the homeless scavenge them? Of course. Kicking people out of the only home they have ever lived in by increasing the neighboring cul-de-sac’s rent prices? Absolutely.

Poor kids, though? Poor kids are too lazy, which is why they turn to stealing and murder. These children don’t show up to school on time and can’t even adequately perform in Information Technology classes. Honestly, how can an eight-year-old struggle to make comprehensible code? There are people with serious mental handicaps who are seen as pillars of our society. Yet, these “disturbed” and “traumatized” hooligans don’t even try to obtain anything above a “D”.

Don’t even think about inviting them out to dinner because they are going to show up several hours late. They will claim it’s because the “bus” and “subway” were malfunctioning but we all know it’s because they wanted to sleep in longer. We all know we have to be fifteen minutes early or don’t show up at all. Schedules are in place for a reason and Santa knows this.

Although, Santa Claus does have one type of poor he loves being around; drug dealers. Do you think the North Pole looks the way it is because the property owner is sober? No. You’re foolish if you do. Santa’s ravenous hunger for funny-smelling snow is outrageously glutinous, which is why he is beloved in Tooele, Dayton, and Fresno. These places are filled with poverty but Santa always makes a point to stop by and say hi. His simple presence has given the children a new sense of confidence. Why else would you see the seed of the inferior wearing the newest sneakers?

Granted, most are knock-offs but these creatures can’t tell the difference. All they know is this jolly and obese cryptid will gift them cool presents if they provide him with delicious booger sugar. Putting it on a plate and leaving out some water helps him get the energy he needs while also fighting off “the drip”. Unfortunately, he can only take so much so he visits those he knows are the most benevolent.

Despite this opportunity for prominence, most younglings living with a struggling income are going to only be receiving one present and it’s not even going to be a nice gift. Used Nespresso pods, improperly manufactured Russian microwaves, a fax machine from Zimbabwe, or one Uno card, are just some of the items these indigents will be given by this gracious deity. Some even prefer the coal he gives the bad ones because they can sell it for some decent money.

How does he find so much coal in a location surrounded by only solid water? Well, how else does any other thriving capitalist make a name for themselves?

Slavery.

In defiance of the United Nations’ stance on this practice, Santa Claus loves money and he wouldn’t be caught dead offering fair wages and sustainable living conditions. Elves don’t deserve this nor do the reindeer he exploits. There’s a surplus of these beings so why should he try to make their lives better? Rather than squander money to help them afford a livable home, he can just spend a few bucks on their “underground ceremonies”.

Nestle does it; India does it; Shein does it; even Nike promotes slave-like conditions and they are one of the biggest role models for those aged under 47. Take note if you want to build an empire. Fairness does nothing but create unrealistic expectations. Most of the impoverished will just waste their finances on “luxurious” products. There’s no reason someone would need toilet paper or glimepiride. Take it like a woman and live happily until you are forgotten.

Plus, the workers who pass on will heighten his side hustle’s quality. Running a food truck in today’s time is incredibly competitive and requires an abundance of resources. But, having an endless supply of meat between his hands means he can save even more on overhead. Additionally, the taste of these exotic meats keeps people coming back and is why his business continues to flourish every summer.

Just because he focuses on Christmas doesn’t mean he should relax the rest of the year. No. A person with deep pockets had to get there through diligent blood, sweat, and tears. They never specified whose it had to be. It’s time we go back to a time where the hardworking are given superfluous advantages and not shunned for being committed to a world order.

Santa Claus would produce sick seeing how Sweden and Taiwan do things. Their commitment to sustainable living is something Santa wants to destroy. His alliance with China is just one step in the right direction. Soon, these despots will be sitting next to defiant ne’er do wells; the Uyghur. Let’s stand next to this innovator and promote the best ideology; capitalism.