It’s a sweet gesture, it really is; who doesn’t love receiving an unexpected present? Assholes, that’s who. However, the fun ends when you start applying unnecessary pressure. It’s a present; stop turning it into an event. There is no reason there should be unsaid implications about what to do next. I know what to do with it and I will wait to unwrap it later. There is no reason you should be there. Honestly, watching me rip off the paper in front of you is something I loathe more than ex-president Ronald Reagan.

Matter-of-factly, you already KNOW what is inside of it. You know what my reaction is going to be and you forcing me to open it in your presence makes me suspect something ulterior is afoot. I feel like I’m on a reality show but without any of the popularity or cash. I’m just being watched as if I was a science experiment revealing a once-in-a-lifetime fact.

There is no substantial explanation as to why you need to stare at me while I open its contents. Can’t you just let me be happy and go at my own pace? You got me the gift; your mission is over. You don’t need to stay behind while the bar cleans up your throw-up. This sped up desire for approval is reminiscent of a kingpin sending a head in a box to their enemy: flaccid-inducing.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to open a present as if I was a six-year-old at school? If you do it too aggressively then you look desperate and child-like. Do it too slow and you don’t seem interested or engaged enough toward a selfless gesture. Do one of these two and couple it with social anxiety then you have a perfect recipe for a loser to form. Not only are you critiquing my ability to unwrap a box or bag but you are probably going to ruin our time having a thoughtful interaction with each other.

I’d rather focus on the conversation at hand then force a change in discussion to something about me liking a random monkey wrench or novels about avocado cartels. When people are talking and there’s a natural flow occurring then we are activating our brains to their fullest potential. We are bouncing thoughts off of each other and making the planet a more enjoyable destination for out-of-worlders. Don’t you want to be the next Stitch or Pol Pot?

When it happens naturally, you can easily continue what is being said but sudden shifts can disrupt this exchange. Trust me, I’d rather hear ideas about our next adventure than placing me in a tense situation where my every expression and movement will be leisurely analyzed. Don’t flounder this engagement, especially detrimental to change the topic to a mundane gift opening. It’s awkward and only enhances the silence people fear while in a group setting.

Let me open the package when I want to. I don’t know if I’m going to like it and I don’t want to ruin the joy you have about giving me this wonder. Everyone at the party—all my friends and family—hovering over my shoulder waiting for my reaction so they can laugh about what happened or criticize my “selfishness” on such a momentous occasion are despicable. You are rotten and should be exiled. Don’t say you don’t do it because you do. Most people do it. We want to see people’s reaction because if it’s joyous then it’s a sweet moment but if you don’t like it then we can all laugh at your expense. We can either make fun of the receiver’s attitude or them for not appreciating this truly gracious action.

However, gift recipients do appreciate it, we just don’t like what we receive most of the time. There’s nothing wrong with people giving gifts but we don’t have to like it. Not only is it uncomfortable and puts unnecessary pressure on me but I’m going to probably put it in my closet so I never have to see it again. I’m having to act like something I’m not and there’s a reason why I don’t get callbacks from Lifetime auditions. All present-opening does is foster anxiety because I don’t know what it is but I have to put on the impression I love it before it’s even been opened. When, in reality, I—99 percent of the time—hate what I was just given.

Stop making me open presents in front of you. Please. It’s embarrassing for all of us.