It’s disgusting. People like Jeffrey Dahmer and Issei Sagawa deserve to have their taste buds reevaluated. Humans are disgusting. Nothing is appealing about its taste and foodies need to understand this. Sure, it might be a delicacy if you are Sentinelese, but we have chickens for this. We need to avoid the taste of mushmeat as much as possible because not only are humans potently bland, they contain all kinds of problematic hormones.

Let’s start with what their anatomy tastes like. Brains may seem like a savory mouth full of umami, but you are ignoring the danger of prions. Prions are nasty buggers and can be transferred from one deceased “homo-sapien” to the cannibalizing loser. You will NOT get smarter eating their brain nor will you acquire their memories. You will actually lose your mind and slowly have your body degrade to the point you leave its earthly tether. All you’re doing is convincing morticians of their theory; cannibals are desperate for attention.

The obvious next choice would be to eat all of the major muscles since this is used when committing cow genocide. However, this heavily varies on the human you are choosing to consume. I’m not saying there is a preferred option—they are all bad—but some are worse than others. Thankfully for the group of washouts who have defined and mega-sized muscles, all of their work wasn’t for nothing.

People who want a hard lump of nylon put in front of them should consider going into the Fiji version of Hometown Buffet. The Dutch should be the wariest when meeting a stranger salivating from one glance. There is a reason most of these powerlifting hulklings are descendants of vikings and it has nothing to do with their fermented shark and seal fat diet. The Dutch regularly walk around their cities because they hate automotive products. Cars, to them, is equivalent to wasting your accumulated energy. In turn, limiting your muscular definition. But, despite this, biceps, thighs, triceps, and buttocks are the most significant portions you should give to your dog. They’ll eat anything, especially if you neglect them for a couple of weeks. There’s nothing good about these “meals” and you should do your best to avoid putting them in your mouth.

You’re probably wondering, “Wesley, I go to Michelin-starred restaurants all the time. How can I possibly avoid this?” First off, stop taking food advice from tire companies. Would you take healthcare advice from your accountant? Why don’t you listen to your realtor when they talk about the problems with vaccinating your children? Do you consider welders professionals in climatology?

However, despite the many reasons to avoid muscle, fat is far worse in terms of flavor, taste, and mastication needs. If anything, it’s grosser than a portion of an arm swayer. Unlike bacon or wagyu, this fat won’t melt into a delicious juice. You will be disappointed to find out it tastes like decrepit oranges sitting in the sun for three months. Like snow, the yellow is a warning sign; a caution to be ignored and thrown into the fire pit for warmth.

However, thin people shouldn’t be considered either. At least with bulkier folks, you’ll get a good portion of food to digest. These skinny individuals’ meat can barely hold them up and you’ll only be left with bone. Bone—once again—usually provides more flavor but humans didn’t evolve to be tasty; we taste like what we eat. Just like lions aren’t on the menu because they provide nothing scrumptious to devour.

“Oh! So, average-sized people are the best?”

NO! Stop trying to taste your neighbor. None of their meat will taste good and this doesn’t even consider the medicine many regularly require. Have you ever smoked a menthol cigarette or taken a rip of weed from a bong that hasn’t cleaned its water for over a year? It’s divinity saying to stop.

All these inhalants and substances start to erode the body. Their organs turn grey and make them feel like they are In-N-Out. Adderall makes them feel like they can do anything their mind sets itself to but the brain starts diverting blood to the wrong places; similar to Viagra. Atorvastatin is a delicious seasoning some people use but, in reality, it’s going to lessen the heart’s distinguishing characteristics. Depression meds will make them feel jubilant but the liver won’t be anywhere near as earthy as the delicate foie gras.

Medication isn’t what you think it is. They’re capsules filled with chemicals destroying your body, which is why people who are organic and natural are even more unbearable. Stop trying to make yourself more appealing to necrophagia sufferers. There’s a reason people don’t eat cabbage by itself—it’s diarrhea-inducing.

Once you open up the body, you’ll be hit with an unrecognizably memorable stench. Just like your favorite scent while shatting, this smelly smell will be ingrained into your mind. The odor reverberating throughout the room will only spread faster as you run away. The gas you are exploding out will create an invisible tornado following you around. There’s nothing positive about opening up a carcass nor should you be doing this on the regular.

Furthermore, humans deteriorate incredibly quickly so you need to eat them as soon as they are served. If you have ever been to a sushi restaurant serving omakase-styled meals, you understand the value of a swiftly butchered piece of flesh. However, just like sea cows, parasites will start to invade a deceased human’s mortality if you wait too long. These germs have enough patience to attack a new system when presented with one. Human desiccation allows them to spread their disgusting germs throughout the air.

Human meat will decay into a puddle of disgustingness; think of a blobfish being pulled out of its home unreasonably high and fast. Stop offering up your houseboy as dinner when there is a Vons right across the street. Sure, one is technically free, but it comes at the cost of your tastebuds.

This is why cremations and ocean dumping are recommended. Sure, humans can spread their ashes in the Haunted Mansion at the money-sucking theme park known as Disneyland but the conglomerate will immediately vacuum it up. They will then dump your deceased grandmother and grandchild in the trash; the same place where unfinished turkey legs go. These glamorized cast members move swiftly and with a dangerous accuracy. They’re what every upper-class white family wishes they had as a maid; underage and subservient.

Take an objective stance when it comes to your family’s belongings and spread them where it matters. Waterfalls, caves, and the deep abyss are perfect places for this humanoid dust to remain. Thankfully, these destinations are filled with bottom feeders, or, as many know them, Southerners.

Do something different and devour meats you will want to try again. Don’t try to expand your diet when everything you are trying to engulf is going to make you wish you ate moldy banana bread. Humans are vile. Stop eating them.