There is nothing more joy-inducing for a child, teenager, and immature adult than a pool. Floating like a dead body allows your muscles to relax and clear your mind from any worries you build up throughout the week. You might even swim laps up and down this dedicated area of chlorine as exercise. Swimming has been shown to speed up a person’s weight loss journey since it won’t be as hard on your joints as pretending to evade a serial killer is. You will even notice an uptick in the property value of your house when selling it, which is one of the main reasons why many people take the leap and build what Australians call a monument of liquid gold.

However, all of these points don’t even compare to the problems owning a pool causes. For one, people are going to start harassing you to bring their children over to splash around and waste your perfectly good consortium of hydration. You will start to lose sight of whether or not people who visit your domain unannounced are coming over because they want to hang out with you or just soak their filth in your personal ocean. Pay attention to how their disposition changes when you move to a pool-less property. The messages and hangouts will start to slowly disappear, there will be a decrease in soggy hot dogs being consumed, and a sense of loneliness will start to become normal.

Although, you may be the type who enjoys phonies congregating on your estate. However, no self-respecting individual who is of age is going to change clothes into a skimpy bodysuit to envelope their body with your piss tank. No one wants to jump in and get out a few hours later to only sit around your house drenched in faux seawater. The non-stop itching, vomit-inducing smell, and lack of dignity are enough to put even the most hardened into their Mini Cooper to drive home after their time has come up.

Additionally, as you get older, you are going to start having friends who will be new parents trying to entertain their human puppies and teach them vital life skills. These ten-pound sacks of flour aren’t even strong enough to hold their own head up so how are they doing to preserve their urine and feces from exiting their body until they get to the proper location to depart from them?

They will try to qualm these fears and explain how the embodiments of their genital waste are wearing absorbent aquatic diapers. “It won’t leak! It’ll all be soaked up and we can just throw them in the trash when they are done,” they’ll claim. However, Mommy and Daddy magazines have performed various experiments to see which brand is the best and they all came to one concise conclusion; they don’t work. It might soak in some of the unhygienic body fluid your child throws onto everything but it will just leak out while they kick about in your pool. How do these sponges differentiate between piss and pool water? They don’t. This sense of safety allows parents to unjustifiably ignore their rational thinking because they read the product description on the never-wrong Facebook.

Children aren’t the only ones who are soiling your human pond, either. It has been shown one in five adults will relieve themselves in a pool. They will bobble up and down, without a care in the world, and act like they are Olympians about to win a gold medal. They will proudly ignore your sign saying “Welcome to our “ool”. Notice there is no P in it? Let’s keep it that way.” These human extinguishers don’t care. They only act on what suits them and fuck anyone who inconveniences their fun. I mean, why shouldn’t they think this way? Absolutely no one will notice nor are other guests going to think about it because they’re all doing it themselves. The owners will play up a reaction if they can pinpoint who committed this war crime but, in reality, they have done it too.

After all, they have the magical chemical called chlorine to help them. It’s advertised as something capable of destroying these germs but it will also extinguish any of your aspirations to diversify your look.

Want bleach-blonde hair? Get ready to look like the host of Flavortown.

Two-hour-long spray tan appointment before this? We didn’t know the Oompa Loompas melted when wet.

Fresh tattoo? Infection central here we come.

In addition to all of this, there is the intoxicating smell many people are familiar with when walking by these man-made urinals. Don’t be fooled, though, this nasal noise isn’t saying what you are thinking. The “chlorine smell” many people get a whiff of before jumping in the clear ichor isn’t actually from copious amounts of bacteria-fighting solutions being utilized. This delectable aroma is from layers upon layers of bacteria calling your watering hole home. You aren’t getting a whiff of the hazardous cleaning agent you recently dumped in. Your nose is gorging itself with the odor of contaminants, pathogens, and germs capable of making you sick. Yes, when you drink this luxurious cocktail, it’s the germs making you fall ill; not the chlorine.

This is another reason why pools are the worst. You can’t drink the water without vomiting throughout the day and one after. This teasing sight for any desert dwellers will make you want to taste its dew but you will just start to feel like your stomach is being brutalized from the inside out. Avoid catching a Recreational Water Illness (RWI) and stay away from these gargantuan expired bowls of medieval clothing cleansers. Sooner or later, you will want to perform seppuku just to feel relief from this horrible pain but it won’t do anything but make the situation worse and stain your mother’s new carpet.

Don’t be a wild animal and try to gulp down this source of hydration; there is nothing tasty, satisfying, or beneficial to it. There is a reason people always find bear cubs, mountain lions, and snakes floating at the surface and it’s not because they want a peaceful slumber. It’s because these unnecessary money wasters are dirtier than the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Even the dogs of Chernobyl know better than to jump in these 12-foot death traps.

The microorganisms you are shrouding your body with are also the cause of your sight getting blurry and feeling what sadists love: pain. The burning sensation your peepers are experiencing when you are underwater is all the pollutants doing what they do best, feasting on your tissue. This filth will proceed to slowly seep into your internal organs and do such swift damage you’ll feel it before you come back for air. Don’t be a fool and try to wear goggles and earmuffs. You aren’t going to become Aquaman by seeing underwater but, instead, live your life as a knock-off Helen Keller without any of the skills. Would you let someone not only spray you with a glass of urinary froth but open your eyes in excitement? Not unless you have a particular fetish.

In addition to all of this, there are also all of the shavings people flake off throughout the day being absorbed into the water. Humans shed about 30,000 to 40,000 skin cells an hour. But, while in a pool, they bond with the very moisture providing a soothing effect. It doesn’t matter if you do bathe before going in the pool, you are still going to be surrounded by dead debris. This includes dead skin cells, excessive oils, and sweat. Yes, you can sweat in a pool. But, people will still regularly jump in after a long and exercise-filled day. You may be “cooling off” but you are just being amphibious in your own grime, which brings me to my last point.

No matter what you wear or the precautions you take, all of your body is going to get wet. Your whole being is going to be touching the water. This includes your butthole. Your brown eye is constantly touching the water. The orifice you excrete your day’s meals out of is contacting the water you are now frolicking in. You are splashing around in your own excrement and you aren’t even thinking about it. It doesn’t matter how strong your bidet is, you aren’t going to rid your starfish of all of your leavings, which means all of the clumps clinging to your derriere are now being spread throughout this basin. Your feces aren’t dissipating but pervasively circulated across the entire reservoir. Even a body suit won’t prevent the water from embracing your balloon knot. There is no stopping this.

Chlorine isn’t destroying everything.

You are not cleansing anything.

You will not leave this pool without being caked in invisible stool.

In conclusion, I, Wesley Shen-Li Ryan, can’t think of a more germ-infested place than a pool. They are conduits for annoying and entitled humans, bacteria wanting to infect your entire being, and a location for false security. Spend your money on something actually offering happiness; a three-month family vacation to Dollywood.

This has been a collaborative piece of work with the People Opting Out Of Pools (POOOP). We do our best to promote the dangers of pools and why no one should have them. Our research has been conducted by reading countless articles we find on Facebook and have been labeled as “incorrect”. Join our militia today and set forth a future where everyone can live in peace and without fear of illness.