We all want to live in a city where crime is nonexistent, everyone is friends with each other, and we all have consistent adventures full of merriment. For many, a place this wonderful is known as Santa Clarita, California, which is about forty minutes north of downtown Los Angeles. Here’s the thing; it isn’t.

For one, most of the country doesn’t know this borough exists and, if they do, will immediately relate it to the popular theme park, Six Flags: Magic Mountain. When out-of-towners talk about being neighbors with this park, they immediately think it’s a place everyone wants to visit on a daily basis. However, a majority of the residents who live near this theme park know it’s gross. It’s filled with aggressive geese willing to confront you for your funnel cake and is staffed by underpaid teenagers who are waiting to cry in the bathroom or smoke some illegal Adderall. Many of them will even eat the moldy pretzels in the corner since they can’t afford any other meal within this theme park.

People only choose Magic Mountain over Disneyland because it’s cheaper but this crowd also enjoys throwing hot dogs at passing bicyclists. Most of the roller coasters are out of order or are so aggressive you are given a concussion while riding them. The outdated forms of entertainment are old enough to get social security and will smack you in the face as if they are your grandpa. As a matter of fact, there were many years while I lived in this city where they would shut down the park for months because so few guests were coming in. Wouldn’t shutting down this abyss of fun make you lose more money? Not Magic Mountain.

There are primarily two types of people who live here, too. There are the people who leave this pigmentation of anger and there are those who choose to stay in “Awesomeville”. These Awesomians believe the cowboy appropriation they love to consume is the final level of adventure. These colonists believe it’s the grandest locality in existence because they have an Otto’s Diner and kept out diversity. This doesn’t even get in touch with the fact most of the family activities to partake in are just tailgating a Paw Patrol meet and greet. It’s not even the original voice actors, it’s the people who cosplay as them. These furries laugh and holler but it comes at the cost of traumatizing children since these beings of degradation won’t stop touching each other.

There are always the multiple bowling alleys but these locations are filled with depressed divorcees who want to “score” a “younger” person, which is just code for performing questionably pedophilic acts. They don’t care the bowling balls are filled with bacteria carried over from men who don’t wash their hands after emptying their bowels from the two pizzas, five beers, and seven cigarettes they just gorged themselves with. In simpler terms, they are fingering the shit-filled bowling ball holes and proceeding to harass young women.

This is what it’s like living in a Californian edge city. There are always visitors gawking at the “rich culture” within a paper town. But, the only history here is the pathetic amalgamations of bigotry. Sure, you may reside in a “carefree” stopping place but there is nothing else to do outside of perpetuating problematic behaviors. This is why people need to leave and find a more wholesome place for a short period of time; preferably forever.

Going back to this desolate existence means doing the same activities over and over and over again. Go to Schooner’s, get drunk, hit on a random person, get called a loser, drink some more, and drive home drunk. True, there are different establishments you can divert your money to but it’s just going to lead to the same result; drinking exponentially outdated milk to experience the butterflies. A drive to any other city will be worth the cost of the Uber and night of drinking.

Although, there is the constant chance of running into an old “friend” but they only have one goal in mind; living through your accomplishments. It doesn’t matter if you are a comedian, food manufacturer, or janitor, they want to be you without doing any of the actual work. However, if you fail to uphold their views of the world then you are worse than them and there is nothing more dehumanizing than a dung beetle finding a piece of shit too revolting to drag along.

These inheritance sucklers go through high school playing football, being the number one person people turn to for teenage entertainment. They throw their parties and become infatuated with this “fame” but it won’t ever last. As adults, they wear their letterman jackets and pound beers throughout their Friday night at the local swamping hole hoping someone asks them about their glory days. They are clinging on to the hope of being in high school again, where they were the finest shade of garbage. They hope their outdated level of notoriety gets them with the past prom queen one day but she moved on to better things; motorcycle sponsors.

Riding a hog is fun for many but the residents of this compound see it as the ultimate pleasure. Having their long locks flowing in the wind while they fail to let anyone pass them on the highway gives a sense of belonging few activities can imitate. They populate the dive bars and ensure people know their Instagram name by constantly wearing outlandish gear shouting their brand. The black leather is consistent with their hearts; an over-accumulation of cringe.

Additionally, the older generations in this district want to be able to talk down to others as if they are the authority everyone should listen to just because they are over fifty, drive a Lexus, and have a family member in the military. They forget they are just a housewife in a Toyota knock-off with a serviceman who is barely a private. Respect—to them—means being treated like a hero and not looking at others like human beings who deserve equal treatment. In their skewed perception, everyone who works in service establishments shouldn’t have to be paid a livable wage because they don’t do anything with “real skill”. These ingrating moldy eggs completely ignore they have no real-world experience outside of being nuisances.

They will even play the victim when the person they are berating decides to defend themselves or if they uphold common sense etiquette of being in public. Something as simple as saying “I don’t appreciate how you are speaking to me” or “please refrain from using offensive language while in our business” will be misconstrued as speaking with vitriol and an intent to harm these entitled pieces of scratch paper. They will then try to record this interaction to justify their abhorrent behavior but will be called out online for their disgusting behavior. Of course, this is just “the haters brigading her social media accounts” and not a moment to reflect on what makes them so horrible.

Unfortunately, these “adults” breed and pop out frail cans of unsaturated sparkling water like they are populating the world after an apocalyptic event. The birthed chihuahuas walk around with privilege leaking from every orifice but dress like they regularly occupy a prison cell. In truth, the only problem they’ve ever faced is reaching the top shelf of the grocery store. They have the confidence they can fight any behemoth in their way and forget they have never thrown a punch, only watched TikToks. When you combine these two things, you get a naked guinea pig who is highly aggressive for no reason other than people don’t think they’re the big fish in a decaying tire reef.

This doesn’t even take into account people will be ride or dies for snollygosters who don’t deserve this level of commitment. I remember—after graduating high school—an AP teacher who entered a relationship with a student as soon as she turned 18. She participated in his class for years before this reveal, though, which makes you wonder when it actually started. Just like these children supported a prominent math teacher years before this because he was “unjustly thrown in jail when he only wanted to do booger sugar with a payment planned escort,” these misguided cretins wore shirts in support of this fast-acting cradle robber.

Sure, they “started” their affair when she was 18 but grooming can happen years beforehand. With soft messages, he tested the waters as to what is allowed and what isn’t. He would start off innocently complimenting her outfits but it most likely changed into flattery focusing on how the fabric accentuating her body. It then turned into appraisals of how she’s in great shape and is vastly more mature than her peers. She is someone he can confide his darkest secrets to because she won’t tell anyone about their discussions. Never mind the fact he taught her anatomy without ever opening a book and he, literally, left his wife and two children for a barely legal blood bag. He isn’t even the only teacher who has done this. There are all kinds of creeps educating the Santa Clarita youth but the administrations in charge just ignore these empty, rotten pumpkins.

However, the biggest problem with this populated desert isn’t the old people thinking they deserve to be held to a higher level for surviving until they develop impotence, nor are they the adults who defy rules and want to be a victim so bad they’ll make up excuses for being rejected service from an establishment, nor are they the youth desperate to grow up so fast they land themselves in juvie school. It’s the ever-present racism.

Racism may not seem like a big problem to have in a Southern California setting but this city is rampant with these thoughts. However, most of the time, it’s subtle and indistinguishable jabs. They do this to show you are different from them and, for many, beneath them as a person. It doesn’t matter if you are African, Asian, or Hispanic, the abhorrent bourgeoise will direct their detestment in some manner.

“What type of martial arts do you do?

“What kind of street vendor are you?”

“Did you know you could fix your accent if you spoke more clearly?”

“There’s nothing wrong with saying “All Lives Matter” because they all do!”

“For work, we bring in our own meals but can you not bring anything funny smelling?”

“I’m surprised you speak so eloquently!”

This isn’t even one percent of how prejudicial the milky bowl of sashimis have to shout. The mozzarella-stained residents of Santa Clarita claim there aren’t any disadvantageous beliefs holding people down but they’ll then explain why people’s natural hairstyles aren’t appropriate in any space. They don’t realize how offensive it is to hear these intrusions in a professional setting when no one asks them for this advice. They believe they are doing good in the world by taking away a proud feature people of color have.

In addition to all of this, many of these pesky residents believe this burg has always been a place where the uncooked chicken skins have resided. They forget they live in a populated city who obtained its name from the language of love. This satellite suburb was named by Spanish settlers in tribute to the Santa Clara River, which is not nearly as dried up as half of the residents. The caucasity for them to berate the true people of the land shouldn’t be surprising, though.

Just like everything else these bland milkshakes do, they gentrified it into their vision of a perfect metropolis. They push their beliefs so passionately, that they would partner with those who would harm innocent people. Not only do they work with them, they praise their performances. A large portion of adults will happily mention Santa Clarita has one of the highest numbers of KKK meetings within the state. They’ll claim it in such a fashion that we should be just as excited as them, despite being a noticeably different nationality than mayonnaise. They will say it in a kind tone but Ted Bundy was also highly charming to almost all of his victims. And, just like Bundy, they will attack those of different shades during the finality of their conversation.

It doesn’t matter how nice you think you are, if you are willing to degrade another group of people then you are no better than the unseasoned food you can barely cook; an illness. There is no reason my hometown should have to repeatedly be in the news for “patriots” deciding to abuse those of a different sexual orientation, race, or disability just trying to go about their lives.

All of this can be narrowed down to what they actually are. Scared individuals who know nothing outside of expressing themselves through the humiliation of those around them. They are worried they won’t be able to go on the vacation they planned months ago and take it out on those working a barely livable wage. They are terrified of equality because this means they won’t be regarded as saviors when doing the bare minimum. They don’t understand how facts can change beliefs so they double-down on their pursuit of damaging the credibility of experts. They are nothing more than impudent adult children wanting to stay in the past; even if it means giving themselves a harder life. Santa Clarita isn’t an atrocious landscape because of its location. It’s vile because most of the residents don’t know how to evolve with everyone else.