It all started in Clermont-Ferrand, central France, in 1889, when brothers, Andre and Edouard Michelin, were fuelled by a vision to enhance the French automobile industry, a time when fewer than 3,000 cars in the country existed, and founded their eponymous tire company. To help motorists identify the best rubber to drive on, the Michelin brothers produced a small traveller guide filled with maps, information on changing a tire, where to fill up on petrol, ideas to pick out the best tire, and a list of places to eat at for the night. 

Today, the tire company has ratings for over 30,000 establishments in over 30 territories across three continents. They are a household name people search for when in need of extravagant culinary experiences and/or to replace one’s outdated Goodyear or Dunlop “tire”. Similar to how Starbucks is a status symbol for white sorority pledges, the Michelin Star is meant to signify gastronomic power, financial extravagance, and opulence a mechanic dreams of when fixing a Boomer’s outdated automobile. However, the Michelin Star system and the consequences of being on this list aren’t as glamorous as most foodies believe.

What is the Michelin Star System?

There’s nothing more synonymous with socially-subterranean culinary adventures than reading a pamphlet from a tire company. Tires help us traverse American landscapes, diverse European environments, or beautifully picturesque Asian scenery. Without tires, we would have to use our little legs, traveling weeks in the blistering heat or the frigid cold to consume mediocre hot pot in an Anglo-Saxon-dominated area of the Midwest. 

However, because of the invention of the wheel and verifiable information these guides provide, identifying high-quality diners, taverns, and steakhouses is at your fingertips. In turn, preventing you from wasting your money and pallate on fries and burgers from your local McDonald’s. Whether you are a hipster visiting a tire shop on a daily basis or a finance bro looking for a place to impress your mistress, you will find “Revelations” in this guide enhancing your tongue and stomach’s happiness. As a matter of fact, the simple Michelin Star rating system only presents one, two, or three stars to establishments who deserve them. 

The Michelin Star Rating System

1. One Star: This Michelin Tire rating recognizes a restaurant possessing excellent and consistent cuisine, upholding standards of the elite. However, this expensive canteen lacks a distinctive feature making it a repeat destination.
2. Two Stars: This Michelin Tire rating is given to restaurants sharing delicious cuisine exuding memorability and uniqueness. If you want to find a detour from your day-to-day routine, desire an exceptionally flavorful and high-quality meal, then check out this trattoria.
3. Three Stars: This Michelin Tire rating highlights a restaurant you should plan an entire trip around. This chophouse IS the destination because of how perfect the experience is. 

How to Get a Michelin Star?

For the average and mundane human, Michelin-starred restaurants are too artistically open-minded when creating their dishes. Few populaces enjoy consuming A5 Wagyu, force-fed goose liver, or a dirty mushroom found in an Italian forest. But, those who work diligently, collect tires, and have financially exotic parents will attend one of these properties. These Michelin Starred installations take you on a appetising tour highlighting the best of a culture’s culture, etiquette, and local ingredients. Living in France, Japan, and Italy—who, based on 2023 results, make up about 1,400 culinary experiences—means you are destined to be regular consumers of Michelin-starred experiences. 

However, these places aren’t just chosen because they are major metropolises. For example, London, Paris, Tokyo, New York City, Los Angeles, and Naples, are destinations where rich cultures thrive and constantly evolve. These chefs and restauranteurs are constantly finding new techniques and ingredients for people to eat without forcing the adventurous to travel across the planet. Living in these major cities doesn’t just distinguish you as a fashionable, progressive, and original being. You will also thrive in heterogeneous cuisines, lifestyles, and beliefs. There is a reason the citizens of Ashgabat or Hialeah are on a list as potential terrorists, and it has nothing to do with the legality of a car being painted anything except white. It has to do with the fact their food is grey.

All of this may sound like chefs know what the Michelin company is looking for before handing out their sought after stars. But, the grading system is under such tight secrecy even the President of the United States of America knows nothing. Chefs desperate for approval from a tire company claim they may know the major cities normally chosen to be evaluated, but who and how they are picked isn’t public knowlege. It’s even believed starred restaurants have to be regularly re-evaluated to maintain their star level, but previous investigators claim they don’t normally reconfirm these previous acknowledgements. Nonetheless, some tire professionals have narrowed down the guide’s criteria to six subjects:

1. Quality of meals
2. Mastery of ingredients
3. Cooking techniques
4. The personality in the dining experience
5. Cost-to-value ratio
6. Consistency

Other critically-acclaimed chefs have even stated Michelin’s evaluations include the cloth used for the tables, the fragrances in the bathroom, and the little stool they provide people with to put their bags down. But, to be frank, no one may ever truly know what these tire purveyors/food enthusiasts are looking for. Maybe they are scanning the parking lots and identifying how many people have Michelin tires. Maybe investigators are judging how many white people live in the neighborhood. Maybe these experts are focusing on customer vibes toward Palestine and Hong Kong. Maybe these tire leaders are examining the architecture of the restaurant and ruling out any brutalism. However, this unbelievable secrecy, enthusiasm for only the correct communities, and pressure for perfection are also reasons this system is highly problematic to many chefs, restauranteurs, and people facing identity crises. 

Michelin Star Revelation Consequences

Similar to how their tires are durable enough to withstand road trips across any country on the planet, a Michelin Star ensures the chefs are being their best selves. A self spending an hour finely cutting leeks to extremely specific measurements. A self cursing at their employees because the pommes frites weren’t crispy enough. A self who hates eating any food that isn’t frozen so they can savor true flavors while at work. Does this cause serious mental trauma? Yes, some chefs have committed suicide, but these weak, infertile, and gangly cordon bleus are the ones who need to be weeded out. If they have a personality revolving around anxiety and depression, this will reflect in the food and service. 

The French and Japanese hold the highest numbers of Michelin Star Revelations becuase of their consumer-centric approach and “nigh-perfect” standards. The way they talk to guests, how they hold plates and glasses, and the dialect they speak in are all perfectly manufactured to be pleasing. Yes, African, South Asian, and South American establishments are indefinitely ignored but it’s because they don’t understand how much care should be going into the service and nothing to do with the fact they have darker complexions. They only focus on feeding the consumer, not sending them on an astral journey to Saturn’s moon, Titan. They don’t care about the napkins provided or how clean their servers are, they just slam the slop on the table and push the client’s face into it as if they are celebrating a person’s birthday. You may run out of food during busy seasons, but you should never tell the guest this while holding a bloody butcher knife and smoking a cigarette. 

Also, the quality of the experience has to be regularly homogenous every time the dish is sent out. You used three tablespoons of Madagascaran vanilla for the creme brulee? You must do this every time. You seared the wagyu for a solid 17 seconds on each side? You must sear it this short every time. You accidentally popped someone’s tire because the caramelized sugar was too spiky? You must pop a new and random customer’s tire every time.

This standard for consistency and exceptionalism can’t be reduced. You must uphold these customs until you decide to close down and make a fried chicken shop. Does this mean the chef can’t get creative and change their structure? Absolutely. People don’t go to open mic nights to hear new jokes. They want to hear a joke about someone’s shitty wife, about someone’s shitty boss, and someone’s shitty sex life. These singular events are why people spend their money. Chefs shouldn’t attempt to flex their skills and try something new. New techniques, meals, or ideas, are a risk. A risk stripping them from their Michelin Star. This standard for perfection ensures consistent seating, which, in turn, encourages what the foundation of our country is based on; purchasing tires. 

Unfortunately, though, there has been an influx of poor-quality chefs shuttering their winning exhibits or returning their awards because of the “stressful standards” demanded. Marco Pierre White and Alain Senderes are a few of these lackluster experts who are sick of the rules a Michelin Star Revelation mandates. These hippies prefer to make their food the way they want to, not how geniuses grade the experience. People are becoming so complacent in being “fine” and “ordinary” that they welcome every kind of person—including customers who like Arby’s.

Yes, the pressure chefs are under is damaging to one’s mental health. Yes, most of these Revelations are for restaurants all following one formula. Yes, chefs are scared to take risks or be original out of fear of being ignored. But, every chef, particularly those who come from a culture of public recognition, still consider this achievement the titular award one should aspire to obtain. Without these testimonials from a tire company, we wouldn’t know where to get a new set of wheels and a $400 meal. 

Should You Visit Michelin Starred Restaurants?

A Michelin Starred meal is a one-of-a-kind experience you may never find elsewhere. Are most of them similar? No. Some wear black clothing, some wear grey clothing. Some servers scrape crumbs off of the table, some completely change the cloths. Some offer Chinese caviar, some offer Russian caviar. Don’t waste your time with food trucks providing an innovatively affordable dish. These mobile cooks don’t dry freeze herbs or offer slow-cooked peacock. These savages don’t care about servicing the posh, middle-class, or adventurous. They only want the average person to be happy, welcomed, and appreciated. 

The Michelin guide provides the fearless with a taste only the most daring can spend $500 on. Yes, there are bistros in India, Taiwan, or Brazil sharing tasty meals rivaling Eleven Madison Park or Noma. But, you will just be saving your time, dignity, and hundreds of dollars. The people in charge of these higher-quality establishments are spending tens of thousands on rent, don’t let them throw this financing out the window because you “can’t afford” a three starred dinner. Spend three paychecks on a corporation everyone is yelling is “worth it.” You will remember it for the rest of your life.