Day 1

Hi! I’m Arneelda! I am from Earth, and I think I am being transported to a land far away since I wasn’t asked about my preferred destination before the alien spaceship took off. They had me drink some green goo. It reminded me of the Nickelodeon slime they used to dump on presenters and award winners, ruining their outfits. I think it’s why I can understand everyone on this cosmic Royal Caribbean. It’s the first thing they did to me when I was beamed up before telling me to write everything down and throwing me in this room. The room’s nice. It reminds me of a hotel room in Las Vegas. Before the bombs went off. 

I don’t really know what they meant by “write everything down” and proceeding to lock me in a room where I only have a view of the stars passing by as we reach, what I am assuming is, light speed. I could be wrong but we seem to be moving both instantaneously and slowly through the universe. How do we not crash into a planet, comet, runaway planet, or star? But, space is, to my first-hand experience, pretty big. It’s beautiful, too. 

Day 2

The food here is really good. Couldn’t tell you what any of it was but I DEVOURED each plate served to me. It was all sorts of colors, textures, and juices. I asked my table neighbors what it was and they said “fuck off.” I think it’s how they say hello up here. They probably picked it up when they were grabbing me. Humans have such a rich culture and history.

After we ate, though, we were told to head down a hallway and knock on the door with our names on them. I asked, “What was my name?” and then they said, “What was your birth name?” I told them, “Arneelda.” They started chirping in a rhythmic motion and flailing their many limbs in the arm. When they finished their cheeping, they only stated, “Arneelda, go to the door with your name on it.” I followed suit.

When I reached another differently colored part of the wall, but similar to the other ones people were pushing open, I clasped the knob, pushed it upwards, and heaved the metal grate—that did not grate—inwards. Sitting calmly on a cushy throne was a 3-foot gelatinous being holding a pen and paper you would find at Staples. The pad was even yellow but I don’t see how that would help her eyes since I couldn’t see any of these organs. But, she saw me standing there and said, “Hello, Arneelda. How has the transition been for you?” I told her the truth. I told her about the green ooze tasting a little too salty, the room being too big for one person, and the gregarious friends I made at the lunch hall. Despite missing the musculature structure to show emotion, I could tell she was taking notes on my impressive memory. 

“Do you know why you were chosen,” the many-limbed, squishy, and serious being asked me. To be honest, I never really thought about it. I just figured they saw me nail that perfect game at darts and wanted to ask me how I did it. So, I told her that. She started writing into her Staples-branded notepad even more furiously. 

“Thank you, Arneelda,” peacefully spoke the pink being. “You can roam the halls if you want or you can eat and go to sleep.”

I was pretty pooped from all of those questions that I chose the latter. 

Here I am! Making a difference for humankind AND I get unlimited oozes.

Day 6

I got a job! They asked me what I like to do and I told them “making people smile.” So, now, I go from professional office to professional office telling them jokes I think of. They love them so much that they sometimes laugh before I even get to the punchline. 

For instance, Mr Fingers (I call him Mr. Fingers because his cranium is shaped like the Hamburger Helper my mom used to make) always opens his mouth and, what I assume are, screams for five seconds when I tell him the bit about seven eating nine. I usually go with that one if I’m running low on jokes. 

Mrs. Pance (I call her Mrs. Pance because she has so many legs and only two arms but still uses her arms to walk into the room) is so entertained by my cultural accents she taught me how her species shows excitement through the vibrations of their legs. 

Senior Dick, (I call him Senior Dick because his head looks like a penis) A.K.A. Richard, always jumps in the air and slowly drops back to the floor while his voice sings a beautiful cover of “Mr. Brightside”. 

These are the main sentients I’ve befriended since being rescued but there are tons more of intelligent beings I interact with. 

• Crag is an orangish soft crab-looking individual who speaks by slapping his arms together and rubbing them 
• Blue is from a species of Patrick Star-reminiscent beings who have multiple holes throughout their body, each one seeping a blue sustenance sentients have started wars over
• Weaver comes from a planet where, what we’d call, keratin is the most important possession you could possess so she’s always carrying around a severed rabbit foot she found in the Level 13 corridors one night
• Martian looks like the Martian Man from the Looney Tunes cartoons except he’s 9 feet tall, 800 pounds, and constantly has super-gravity boots on
• Netter wears a head helmet circulating a clear mercury they need to breathe

I try to avoid Congruence when I can, though. They’re kind of mean to me for the sake of being mean to me. They remind me of Martin from my old high school. He wasn’t that big and was pretty timid but, one lunch day, he flipped out and started treating everyone poorly. He used to steal my milk, shake it up, then force me to chew the chunks while sitting on my friend’s lap. Congruence is no better and they have quick movements so I don’t drink milk anymore. 

Day 23

Apparently, my quarantine period ended so I was given “full access” to the ship’s services, facilities, and halls. I couldn’t believe it when they told me the ship has everything I’ll ever need. 

Raw buffalo milk? Got it! 

Curling sheets? Got it! 

Free flying lessons? Got it! 

Mingling with other residents? Oh, they definitely got it.

I’ve met 5 Klagucorsians, 13 Dinaxtres, 7 Patritors, 10 Hordicches, and 2 Tornishes. They all have unique “abilities” that I never thought were possible. They say I have an insane amount of stamina, the ability to fight off most sicknesses and injuries, and dexterous fingers, but the Dinaxtres can see in pitch darkness and identify sentients based on heartbeats; the Hordicches have hypersensitive nerve endings on their entire body so everything feels “amazing”; Tornishes can non-invasively dissect human brains to read their thoughts; Klagucorsians all have padded bones and organs; and the Patritors release pheromones enticing sentients to talk to them.

Can’t wait to see what else is out there.

Day 29

I unknowingly crashed into the Tornishes today! Not out of anger or spite or anything. I was on my way to grab a dornix. They’re like the little creme pastries popular in Belgium. They have their own version here that pulsates before you bite into them. I don’t think they are alive. Nonetheless, we ended up hanging out for the rest of, what I assume, was the day. They showed me their species’ favorite pastime, which seemed to be a combination of welding, basketball, and jousting. Didn’t really understand what was happening, but it was fun to learn about their culture and hobbies.

Did you know Tornishes are chosen their mates at birth? I didn’t. They don’t know about their partners until their 32nd year of living since this is when they reach “adult” maturity. Then they live with one another, never separating from one’s side, until their 99th year of living. Once they turn 99, they can choose to live another 99 years with their life partner or turn into a tree. 99 percent of the population choose the tree. 

Tornishes also have a holiday similar to our President’s Day but it celebrates the original Tornish and their children. Each year, they grab an Earth pound of ghlups, which I can only describe as a combination of human dragonfruits and sea cucumbers, and bring them to their palace, which is segregated from the main road and takes three Earth days to reach. Yeah, apparently, their planet is as big as Jupiter and the air always smells of caramel. Sentients from all over have tried staking out the palace to see this family but no one has even glimpsed their existence. One second these outsiders are staring at the mile-long train of gifts, then they blink, and it’s all gone. It sounds pretty magical. I asked my Tornish friends if they had ever participated and they told me, “No, we’ve been on this ship since we were 33 and the Membrance of the Original is held every 50 years.” I asked if they would go to the upcoming one. They just shook their hips and replied with a somber “no.”.

Day 64

I haven’t written here for a couple of weeks, huh? I’m sorry. I don’t know who I’m apologizing to, but I’m sorry for being so lazy. It’s been a little hard lately since I’m missing my dog’s 13th adopt-adversary. I miss her. She was my best friend and I don’t think she’ll ever know where I am or why I abandoned her. I hope someone came and saved her. I’ve been gone for about two months now. 

Day 73

I’ve been spending every day, for the past week, trying a different alien fruit. Most of them have been interesting but my favorite has to be opples. They’re similar to human apples, but they are as sour as Sour Patch Kids. No sweetness at all. Just sour. They’re divine. The second one I like the most are trooples, which are kind of like a combination of grapes and fruit loops, and they pop in your mouth with a deliciously sweet juice. Third one? Wartrooces. Definitely Wartrooces. They taste like vanilla, cinnamon, rice water, darten milk, and sugar combined. I wish Earth had this. The people need to try it because I think they would love it. Especially the people below the equator in the Western hemisphere.

Day 90

Everyone is so nice on this ship. No one fights. Yes, there is a lot of verbal bullying, but no physical fighting. I think the last sentient who did start an aggressive confrontation ended up being taken to Level 23 and wasn’t seen for weeks. When he did come back, he had a dead stare in his eyes but, other than that, seemed to be completely normal. I think they probably read him his rights and explained how luxurious this cruise is. 

But, as I was saying, everyone is so nice. I was walking to the gym when I ran into some of the Patritors and their friends. Their friend—who looked like a collection of rocks making a humanesque form—was talking to me the whole time about their planet, Grangsterio, and how cool it was. His room is really nice, though, so he said he doesn’t complain about never seeing the rise of the twin suns again. This Granigos then pulled out a bag of glowing rocks and popped one in his mouth. I asked what it was and he said, “My medication,” and laughed. The Patritors defended me, though. They jovially explained to the Granigos I was a cool character so to not be nervous about me telling others about his stash of “medication”. I asked if it was blood pressure medication and they all laughed this time. The Granigos slapped me in the center of my back, which felt like being punched by Mike Tyson, and said, “Okay. Try one.” It didn’t taste very good but they insistently said to suck on it ‘til it’s gone. They also said to go home and just chill in bed. I already took it so, based on what they were describing, I don’t think lifting weights would be the right call. I didn’t really feel anything, but I couldn’t stop smiling while staring at the ceiling. Like, literally, couldn’t stop smiling. 

It hurt.

Day 103

I don’t think it’s very fun. Playing “extreme hide and seek” with the Dinaxtres has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. They can see in the dark and other visions. Like, infrared, thermal, and “extreme”! What’s “extreme”? How is that a sight? Is that why they told me it’s “extreme hide and seek”? It’s only for sentients with multi-layered eyes? 

It was my turn to find them all and they only play in their borough, which means it’s house rules. Well, in their neighborhood, they turn off all the lights and shock random parts of the district. I couldn’t see anything and would constantly be shocked by something. There was no pattern, just *shock*, *shock*, *shoooooooock*. There was even some laughing going on, I think. I don’t know. There was a high-pitched chitter whenever the shock happened. I finally called it in after the third hour of repeated and painful shocks. 

Food was good, though.

Day 109

Congruence came up to me while I was eating ploppers and started asking questions about Earth—like they normally do—but, after I told them about my dog, they smiled and reached out to fist bump me. I think fist bump me, I don’t know, they have several arms and even more appendages on those arms. I fist bumped them back, though. The whole spaceship went silent and everyone stared at me in disbelief. Even the floors above and below us. I mean it. The whole station went silent. Congruence laughed and laughed before heading to the dessert shop with over 236 pastries from the Andromeda Galaxy. 

No one looked at me after this. They would blatantly start staring at the ceiling and commenting on the luxurious chandeliers throughout the floor. I hope everyone starts talking to me again…

I tried talking with my comrade/therapist/influencer but she couldn’t give me a direct answer. She just kept writing notes—with her pencil flashing a number 2—down in her yellow, Staples-branded notepad. She also muttered something about me being a “bigot who needs to be taught manners when in the presence of children.” But, I could be wrong. 

When she finally responded to my question, she said “It’s a highly problematic gesture to do. It’s similar to loving someone’s dead aunt.” I did not know this. I asked if there was something I could do to get back in everyone’s good graces but she said, “Let the sentients come to terms on their own. When they’re comfortable to initiate a conversation again, they will.” So, that’s what I’ll do. I trust Samantha’s guidance. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention her name until now. My bad. 

Day 117

I hosted friends for the first time since being recruited into this unique lifestyle. A couple of the Hordicches came over to see my apartment and furniture. They say theirs don’t feel anything like the materials used for my home. I’ve been in theirs. I agree. I don’t know why the Generous ignored their needs like that when they gave me everything I could have ever dreamed for. 

The Hordicches kept slithering their snake/chimpanzee-like bodies across my couch and humming whenever they touched each other. I knew they had an interesting way of communicating, but the goo I drank should be translating what they were saying. Maybe it doesn’t have Hordicches slang in its dictionary?

They just moved from couch to chair to cactus. They did this for two hours. I ended up reading the daily newspaper while they explored my abode. They seemed to be in awe of everything and kept touching each surface. Other Hordicches ended up paying a visit and were also touching everything. One thing that was slightly alarming was, as if a hive mind, them all merging in the living room, tangling themselves up into each other, humming. I left them some of the chips I was eating. They didn’t seem to mind them, though. They were too busy humming. 

Day 122

I was just down in the library and discovered they had an index filled with the history, cultures, food, and facts about each resident and employee’s race. It even highlights the chances of a species going extinct and how to prevent this. But, when I got to human beings, A.K.A Sensitives, there was nothing but things I have told them about. Every little detail I shared, I found in our profile. However, their wording seems a little. . .  bleh. 

• “Stares at words to hallucinate stories” 
• “Enjoys movies where a canine impersonates a professional athlete”
• “Lays motionless, with their eyes open, for 8 hours to recharge energy” 
• “Has internal stones used to mince flesh, grains, starches, and other forms of sustenance”
• “Inability to turn off hearing”
• “Vulnerable to loss of cranial keratin”
• “Body constantly degrades until their inevitable passing”
• “Incapable of movement, defense, or aggression when freshly born”
• “Must defecate more than three times a day to maintain appearance”
• “Denies masturbatory act when asked”
• “Hates and follows authority” 
• “Eats Pop-Tarts”

These all sound like cool features of being a human, but, when I noticed notes identifying how many are on the ship and how likely they are to be brought on during the next recruitment, I saw “Satisfied” next to the “Recruitment” tab. I must’ve done a pretty stellar job if I’m the only human they want!

Day 148

I think sentients are happier with my presence again. Everyone keeps calling me “The Host” and high-fiving me with their many appendages or heads. I wanted to ask one of my friends about this but I haven’t seen any of them. I would normally ask the Tornishes, but they aren’t at the normal coffee shop. I did see my friend, Lowe Hannenbolls, one of the Klagucorsians, and asked if he knew what it meant. He immediately started laughing and asked, “Everyone is actually calling you that?” I said, “Yes, do you know why?” Lowe just laughed again and said, “Congruence heard from the Hordicches that you let them find peace in your apartment so he’s been telling everyone you love hosting parties.” 

How did Congruence know about my event planning days? I haven’t told any of the Generous about this lovely part of my life. Those days were super fun; meeting new humans, being forced to chug bottles of vodka, and spending the night erasing fond memories. I’m not saying now isn’t like this, but I am the only human on this ship and ever will be. If another human were here, it would be so much better. I could talk about DC movies, DC animation, and the DC sniper. 

I miss my friends, family, and enemies…

Day 160

I never really noticed until today, but nearly every sentient on this ship is just walking around naked. Were they never introduced to hats, socks, or underwear? I think the only species not constantly unclothed are the Atreaks, and I’m pretty sure their religion feeds on the shame of their followers. The only sentients I know who thrive on shame are these Atreaks, my brother-in-law, Jane Doe, and Catholics—human and extraterrestrial. 

I found this out because I wanted to grab some custom clothing to wear to my meeting with the Generous. I want them to see I can do more than just tell jokes. I was a mechanic on Earth and can help with ship functions if they need them. But, when I got to the shop I noticed it was not only completely empty, but the tailor was playing a Molokian version of Tetris, which involves matching specific symbols with one another until the screen is free of every digital tile. When I asked, “Is it normally this empty or is it just the slow season?” She responded with, “It’s normally like this. Only a few species wear clothing. Unfortunately, because of my presentation, I am forced to act like one of them and persuade people to throw their money away for colored animal and vegetable hair.” 

“What was your presentation on,” I asked.

“The Ethics of Genocide,” she calmly stated. “I think I lost them immediately.”

“Why do you think that?”

“They were REALLY offended with me wanting to target babies,” she bluntly responded.

“Why would you start with babies? They are our future!”

“Yeah, but they take a lot of work to raise. It doesn’t matter if they are simple humans, the extroverted Mmungles, or the isolated Yechiviks, babies can’t function independently. You gotta spend months, years, decades trying to ensure they don’t stick utensils in outlets. It’s worse than trying to have a productive and a bowl of Korunptos is just sitting there. Teasing you.”

“Kornuptos? What are those,” I vocally wondered.

“They are these little shiny rocks sentients make from household ingredients. Some sentients say it’s medication, but no medication I know will make you hallucinate yourself as a Dortrop fighting the Langlies. Do you know about the Euphoric Wars?” 

I responded with a simple no and asked what happened.

The Molokian looked a little excited and responded with, “Well, during the war, it was discovered the Dortrops release an acidic mixture from their cranial holes when facing conflict and it melts away anything it touches. But, it also creates a uniquely euphoric feeling you won’t find anywhere else. Sentients, after discovering this experience, became obsessed with them and incessantly try to find them. That’s what Kornuptos do.”

I wondered where I could get these from.

“Okay,” the Molokian responded while stepping off their step-ladder. “I finished your measurements. Give me 20 minutes and your outfit will be ready.”

After I fixed my posture and stood up, I decided to explore the floor; checking out the closed stores and restaurants. THIS is when I fully noticed how many sentients were partially or completely naked. Why even wear a shirt or shoes if every other part of your body is showing? Just be nude at that point. I witnessed a Dutrop’s body just flailing around; like a piece of Instagram slime thrown into the dryer. He wasn’t even trying to hide his bulbous genitals. I could clearly see one of his appendages leaking a greenish marmalade. 

Oh my god. I’ve been hugging everyone.

Day 166

I don’t know how to feel about my meeting with the Generous. I asked them why I was the only human and why they were unlikely to recruit more humans, but they kept saying in different ways that, “I am enough.” They also fervently emphasized the lack of creativity in our genealogy. If anything, we—based on their opinions—are one of the “simplest” species they have ever encountered. I think I heard one of the leaders mumble under their breath about humans being “boring”, too. 

I’m not boring. Would a boring human named Arneelda wear clothing with little faces of Ronald Reagan all over it? I don’t think it’s the real Ronald Reagan, though. Honestly, I think it’s what they think all humans look like. Ghostly pale, malnourished-faced, red-eyed, and freckled. Irish.

Day 174 

I don’t have a single bit of understanding of human biology, but other sentients constantly say we have some serious stamina. They all talk about human stamina being vastly better than their own species. If, literally, every sentient is saying this, it must be true, right? But, are we strong? I don’t think so. 

An Atrogit and a Neer-doh-will started making a scene in the food court because the Atrogit wanted the last Plobatrot, but the Neer-doh-will took it before the former could even comprehend its craving. What started off as a verbal match slowly got more and more physically intimidating. As the ship’s Smile Enthusiast, I had maintain the pleasant vibes. 

“Stop! Stop what are you doing to each other,” I shouted as I tried to get between them.

They just stared at me before bellowing out their species’ version of laughter and describing human anatomy.

“You’re trying to stop us,” asked the 8-foot-tall Atrogit. “You can barely lift four hundred pounds without crumpling.”

“Your little limbs barely make up fifty percent of your body and most of your dynamic is keeping you standing,” chortled the 8-foot-wide Neer-doh-will.

“You barely have one heart,” shouted the red and scaly Atrogit.

“How tall are you again,” the slimy Neer-doh-will challenged.

“Why don’t you get your appendix taken out and live your post-surgery days like nothing happened,” said the Atrogit as steam pumped from his four elbows.

“I heard the gym is having a cycling session soon. Why don’t you get tired after ten minutes and go to bed,” asked the quadrupedal Neer-doh-will with a face similar to Genghis Khan.

“Go have your own cells eat you alive and not try to stop real sentients from hashing it out,” yelled the snarled-toothed Atrogit.

“Look at your feet and go trip over a bump in the road,” the yellow Neer-doh-will hollered.

Not only did they stop fighting, but they walked away—together—laughing and shouting more insults at me for being human. Good thing I have an insane amount of stamina or else they would have been taken to Level 23. 

Day 206

Sorry, I haven’t written anything down recently. I just discovered the library also rents out movies and TV shows from nearly every civilization in the Milky Way, Cartwheel, Sombrero, and Andromeda Galaxies. I have spent the last week or four watching this show called—in English—“The Merriments of Margerine”. Each episode is about an hour or two long and it’s just this Guntro frolicking in different fields on their home planet, Untro. I don’t know how they have so many episodes or why, but each broadcast has Margerine the Guntro finding a new sunflower field, frolicking in it, then being attacked by Hoplins, and seeking safety. Maybe the Guntro species is at war with the Hoplin? I tried checking if this is based on a true story, but the library doesn’t have anything involving this race of creatures. It’s probably, like, those killer whales humans used to say were targeting yachts. Make believe.

Day 215

She might have the name of my enemy in her name, but Granksith, personally, is one of the coolest sentients I have met since being recruited onto this interstellar cruise. Yes, she is a completely different species, with different biology, and different abilities, but spending time with her truly opened my eyes. Staring into one of her six blue eyes, brushing arms as we walked to the Cosmic Pool, and having her melt her entire body onto mine to show me how the Wetroskis are able to swim miles within a few seconds was revolutionary. She didn’t penetrate any of my holes, but she, quite literally, melted onto my body. It felt like wearing a wetsuit but let me flow through the human-safe liquid as if I were water itself. 

My species may be boring to the elites of the Andromeda and Milky Way and Cartwheel and Sombrero Galaxies, but not to EVERY alien in space. For one, I know we are rich with unique cultures, capable of many emotions, and can outlast any other alien when it comes to our performances. As a matter of fact, Congruence heard our conversation as they were walking by and hyped me up to Granksith. He explained the world of ownership toward other animals and humans, explained how we’ve been around for millions of years but are content with staying on our home planet, and explained how we don’t fight off the inevitability of death. 

Over time, the conversation routed itself to how I have been passing my time since being recruited. I explained to them how my comrade/therapist/influencer wants me to write everything down. Congruence was a little shocked. They were completely enthralled with this hobby I had taken up and asked me to show them my journal. So, I did. I always keep it on me since the pockets on these pants are deeper than the Marianas Trench. I summarized some of the days and Granksith looked so charmed toward my perception of things. Suddenly, Congruence stated they needed to take off and I told them I would see them soon. They’ve gotten nicer the longer I have been here. I hope I can call them my friend soon.

I spent the remainder of the day with Granksith. We talked about her planet and the differences between our two planets. Itiliok is predominantly liquid nitrogen, but the Wetroskis not only survive, but thrive. I told her about Earth being 70% water, but she didn’t know what water was since they don’t have water. Confused, I asked how her body did what it did when swimming in liquids. She, and I quote, said, “We’re not water or anything like that. Think of us like human honey. We’re viscous, we’re slippery, and we’re invulnerable to blunt or sharp damage.” I told her, “That’s so cool. I wish we had those powers.” But, Granksith emphasized how every sentient is unique and have their own abilities others may not be able to fathom. Not being bogged down by convoluted organs, appendages, or needs, like anti-matter consumption or fresh mercury means my species knows how to survive on the fundamentals. For instance, human scabbing and stomach acid are rare sentient features, but this is one of the most basic abilities we possess. 

“Most residents have to go to the doctor for even the most minute scratches or else their body will be plagued with infections, bacteria, and viruses.” 

“Really,” I asked with heartfelt enthusiasm. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know. The point is to not let anyone get in your head about being “boring”. You’re beautiful, skillful, and capable in your own way.”

I hope I see her again.

Day 1

Congruence took my journal =(.