Today, we call them eggs but did you know they went by a range of other names? The Old English used to call them an “oeg” or “ey” during medieval times. But, during the fourteenth century, many consumers borrowed “egg” from Old Norse terminology. This linguistic journey caused all kinds of opposition, leading to the loss of many men, women, and children. But, we have (mostly) finished this fight by settling on “egg.”

To some, eggs are horrid and vomit-inducing. Others understand eggs are just “code red” of specific animals. But, neither of these reasons stops people from consuming and using them for all kinds of activities, primarily eating. Eggs have actually been around since the earliest of human history. There is even talk we were once hatched from eggs, but this only makes sense if you believe in the bogus theory known as evolution. Evolution has no basis in a logical conversation or debate. It’s impossible we grew from microscopic cells into the gargantuan beings we are today. We were crafted by an empathetic, omnipotent, and all-seeing God who created us in his image. We are beautiful the way we are, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. His glory is why I don’t wear my glasses; God wouldn’t make a mistake like giving me poor eyesight. The nighttime blurriness occurring is how HE sees. But I digress.

Eggs are essential for human history because this is how most of our ancestors have been able to survive. Eggs are effortless to obtain; just look for a female creature and steal her nest. Already being an excellent source of protein, the fertilized ones add an extra crunch you will crave on lonely nights. They are also adaptable to any meal you want to craft, so you can prevent culinary boredom from putting you in a catatonic state. You can boil them, fry them, stuff them, ferment them, bake them; it, honestly, goes on and on. They are even part of demonic cultural traditions. Unbelievers would paint them homosexual colors in the idolization of the false god, Ishtar. But, Jesus changed this and they are colored for wholesome reasons now; not for the “birth” of Spring. 

Being a few cents to buy, it’s no wonder they can be found worldwide. But, we can thank Ancient Egypt for perfecting the process of harvesting these delicacies. This enlightenment allowed a hen to lay multiple bundles throughout the year instead of one every few weeks. Using clay and pottery, they deceived these hard-working mothers into thinking their babies were gone, which, like many humans, sets her off to create more of these little snacks. Then, places in East Asia started to manufacture their own methods of keeping and consuming them. All of this has allowed us to create many kinds of egg-based dishes. Although, some are standing out among the rest.

Popular Egg Dishes to Eat

To this day, China produces and uses the most amount of eggs. You won’t find anything else as unique as Thousand-Year-Old Eggs or Ming Dynasty Eggs. While they may seem like a century-old process to make, they only require between 45 to 100 days to create. Purveyors coat the eggs in a clay-like mixture of limes, ash, and salt, then bury them in a shallow grave for their desired number of days. Some chefs leave them be while others act like Tiger Moms and rearrange them every three days. 

Nonetheless, it gains its discoloration and gelatinous consistency because the lime gummifies the yolk and “solidifies” the whites. Eating them will bombard your senses with a thick ammonia smell you won’t ever forget. The taste, though? Reminiscent of expired cheese you didn’t know you still had in your refrigerator. But, vast fortunes will be in your future; at least, that’s what those who are blasphemous believe. 

There are hundreds of different ways you can cook eggs and this moleman/molewoman style is just one of them. If you want to know about the oldest method of cooking these unfertilized blood sacks, read the following sentence. All you need to do is crack these little nutrient-filled knapsacks on a rock capable of rising in temperature enough to roast its contents. This strategy is one of the original methods for cooking these soulless embryos. Depending on your homeland or the recipe you want to use, they may come out yellow, yellow and white, or white. Some chefs whisk the liquified yolk and whites, separate the juices inside, or wait until the end to scramble them up to achieve these hues. People who allow all of the ingredients to socialize will even include chives, pepper, and/or cheese for the pen-ultimate scrambled eggs combination. 

Although, if you want something taking the least amount of work, I recommend looking into boiled eggs. This method has been around for thousands of years since it was—and still is—easy to execute and doesn’t take many ingredients outside of using clean water with the power to vibrate swiftly enough to burn anything in the pot. The type of eggs doesn’t matter. Ducks, pigeons, and chickens are the perfect size to shove into your mouth in one go, though. But, if you fancy the more exotic, and use ostrich eggs, you may want to avoid swallowing it all in one go.

It doesn’t matter where you look in history, you will find this meal in some fashion. Classic Greece? Nothing pairs better with ice cream than a lump of chicken period! The Middle Ages? Let’s fight off famine with this single substance! The Italian Renaissance? Make me a combination of tuna and eggs for the flavor of royalty!

Taking only a few minutes to complete is one of the main reasons for this significant appeal. While fresher eggs take a longer time to solidify, it doesn’t last more than 8 minutes to make your favorite snack. The longer you simmer, the more solid and drier it will come out. But, if you want a more gooey texture, consider poaching it for only three minutes. Some people say it’s raw at this stage, but professional chefs claim it’s a French technique. Why shouldn’t we trust these colonizers? They brought Christianity to the faithless in Africa and have been trendsetters regarding fancy dress. White tie for the Met Gala. Black tie to weddings. Smart casual to the firing of an inefficient employee.

Don’t forget about the best peeling strategy for these hard-boiled/soft-boiled eggs. Letting them rest in cold water will simplify peeling since it will constrict, preventing you from missing out on any of the tastes they possess. Speeding through this approach will cause an infuriation comparable to talking to a “freethinker.” You aren’t going to save their fate and will lose some meat in the process. You spent time caring for it; it shouldn’t be deserting you for a phase it believes to be “true.”

Now, for a dish I resent because of what it represents; deviled eggs. “Deviling” a food involves combining hellish spices and herbs with the scooped-out and cooked yolk. You will proceed to mix all of the ingredients together and proceed to fill the now-empty shelling of the cooked egg with this paste. Unfortunately, the origins of the deviled egg can’t be hunted down to a single source since it’s a culinary amalgamation of various cultures, histories, and tastes. But, the creative process isn’t too hard to understand:

1. Boil eggs in hot water for a few minutes.
2. Take them out and let them rest in cold water.
3. Peel the eggs’ shells, but make sure to not take any of the meat with it. 
4. Scoop the yolk out of the center.
5. Stir the yellow obscenity with an array of additional flavors.
6. Refill the hollowed center of the egg with this whipped-up blend the Lord has provided you with.
7. Place your favorite garnishes (anchovies and chives for me) on top.
8. Enjoy!

It doesn’t matter what you are craving; a ripe egg will satiate your need for nutrients and gift you with a delectable flavor lasting hours. People will smell your newly obtained scent and cover their faces to ensure no one sees the drool flowing out of their mouths. These three meals aren’t the only methods of cooking this bite but they are some of the most popular ones. The 1000-year-old egg helps people during parties, scrambled eggs are great during a hangover, boiled eggs will help your dog pinpoint where the danger is, and the consumption of the “deviled egg” will enlighten everyone you enjoy committing treacherous sins on our land. Do your best to eat the egg when it’s most ripe and not when it’s gone bad, though. Not utilizing the best preservation techniques can make you succumb to illness and, potentially, fatally cave.

How to Store Eggs?

Sure, most of the barbarians in the United States of America preserve their eggs using the demonically energized system known as refrigeration, but true followers of the One Above All follow the original preservation method. All you need is a combination of lime water, salt, and more plain water. You’ll also need to fill up a keg, large jar, or pail with all of these ingredients. 

To start, you will want to cover the bottom of the container with salt. Layer your eggs close together and place a generous volume of salt over them. Then, do it again; one layer of eggs and an equal measurement of salt layered on top. You will continue this step until you reach the top of the vessel. Once you have reached the peak of the jar, keg, or pail, you are going to shield it with a lid. You don’t want any of this deliciousness to slip out.

But, make sure you don’t put it in a too-cold or too-hot environment. The extreme temperatures can make them go bad. A room temperature, cool area is perfect. If you follow these steps as the bible, they can last for a year or three. You’ll even be able to convert the yolk to a reddish hue, astounding your friends and family. However, you need to make sure none of your eggs crack while filling the canister because this will cause the whole collection of knackers to spoil. Avoid this situation as much as possible and inspect your eggs before initiating this experience. After all, there is nothing more depressing than watching your seed go to waste.

We also understand the need to verify you aren’t eating rotten eggs. You don’t want to eat something capable of destroying your organs and making you spend the rest of your day on the toilet. Thankfully, there is a modern-day checklist you can utilize to identify the reproductive waste’s freshness. Well, four steps. 

1. Fill a pan or pot with unpolluted water.
2. Place the egg in the water.
3. Watch its reaction.
   1. If it sinks to the bottom, it’s fresh.
   2. If it bounces around, it’s getting close to expiration.
   3. If it flies to the top, it’s time for it to take a trip to the bye-bye bucket.
4. Eat!

Now, I bet you are wondering, “When will this article be over? How can there be so much information on eggs? Does this person have a real job?” Don’t let these intrusive thoughts encourage you to head down a disastrous pathway. For one, you are almost done with this article. You don’t want to miss out on any of the juicy goss you can proceed to share with your peers during a conversation lull. Sanctify the discussion to the point it starts to boil.

Important Egg Facts to Know and Share

Don’t let this article fool you; I am not a member nor do I work for the American Egg Board. I am not a marketing agency trying to promote eggs as the ultimate food source. I am just a follower of the Lord trying to highlight different facets of this delicious and hearty treat. I want people to know all about the attributes capable of enhancing people’s day-to-day lives. Just one egg can contribute to your ability to lift weights and hike the tallest mountain with ease. You’ll even help your eyes stay strong with the abundance of lutein within them. Being spat out from the evolution of a destroyer in the Jurassic generation’s rear, your elderly buddies will be envious of your body’s ability to stave off cataracts and muscle degeneration. 

This is one of the reasons why people who want to live a healthy lifestyle should use eggs as the primary source of nutrition. A whole section of the grocery store is dedicated to eggs, primarily white ones, though. This isn’t because the colored are inferior. No. White eggs are the most popular option because most chickens lay this pigment and are more affordable. Brown eggs are primarily being popped out from bigger than normal chickens, which means they need more feed to eat or else they will cease to be useful. More feed means higher expenses, which means less money for the farmer’s yacht lifestyle. To compensate for these higher costs, brown eggs are priced at higher rates. While it isn’t the main reason whites are preferred, others just don’t like browns because it isn’t the status quo.

You may be wondering why certain brands have bigger eggs than the national average, though. In summary, it boils down to older chickens laying bigger eggs than their younger counterparts. The bigger the egg, the more nutrients to consume. With a higher ratio of food to eat, they can charge more money. That’s it. It’s a basic capitalistic model. Why do you think people in Texas live a vastly better life than New Yorkers? They get more for their buck and only have to deal with a higher murder rate, inadequate utilities, fewer rights for children, and more government intervention.

Now, the reason farmers keep them as pets is because they’re an easy source of money. It takes between 24 to 26 hours for a hen to lay one of these tasty nibbles, a total supply ranging between 300 to 325 eggs per year. Having hundreds, maybe thousands of these creatures can make you a hefty profit. But, as a consumer, beware of the many scams out there. 

For instance, China is taking a lot of fire for creating fake flesh Fabregas. It’s unlikely you will run into this problem as a citizen of the greatest nation in history, but it helps to be cautious when overseas. These imitations are made from a resin, a coagulant, and a starch, as well as enveloped within a counterfeit shell. It’s been reported one person can create as many as 1,500 charlatans in a day—just another reason to hate these disease carrying communists.

Unfortunately, there are farmers in the U.S. of A. who are tricking people, too. These despots are giving us a bad name by lying to the innocent about how they care for their animals. “Cage-free” does not actually mean cage-free. The chickens are still in a cage. Sure, it’s not as small as a suffocating encampment. But, many producers will scrape by the minimum 120 square inch housing to obtain this label. There may be some exceptional carers who allow them to roam free, but this is also a partial lie being fed to us as a beneficial truth. “Free-range” chickens and eggs don’t usually see the outside of the barn. The door to the outdoors is too small for some of these genetically modified abominations, farmers aren’t accommodating to the whole flock, and/or the chicken misses “open hours”. These characteristics are just another marketing ploy to make purchasers feel better about themselves, despite not doing anything to improve these detrimental conditions. 

People want to feel they aren’t contributing to harmful and unsafe environments, which is why losers fall for these tactics. If only the sinners out there were following the rules our Holy Father has provided us with, then they would understand what needs to be done to improve our society. But, no. They want to cut corners and make their wallets gorge as if they were foie gras. Eggs, it’s a tricky business. But, it shouldn’t have to be.

Welcome to the World of Eggs!

Working with professionals will ensure satisfying results. For instance, reading this article shifts you into a group reserved for the vastly intelligent. You are part of a movement capable of changing the world. All you need to do is preach the good word and share this information with those you believe are important. Send this article to your boss who keeps refusing your raise, the president of your fancy car club, or the professor you have secretly been crushing on—any of these are prime examples of people who can benefit the world for once. But, if you think of other exceptional individuals, please send this extravagant piece of work to them. We need to make sure everyone can reach the heavenly gates or else your loved ones are doomed to an eternity of enhanced interrogation techniques.