I wish I could say a baby is made when love is involved, but this isn’t true. Babies are also created during acts of lust, violence, oppression, and anger. Babies are made, fundamentally, when semen penetrates the shield eggs fortify themselves with. It may not stop teenage pregnancy, but it may prevent women from ever obtaining the child they have been longing. 

This social venture has the power to turn a dirtbag into an individual who will most definitely learn to abuse and torment the next generation. But, to the dismay of child traffickers, a majority of guardians do want to protect and raise a human who will positively contribute to society. In truth, when a baby is desired, they are a gift from fate, the universe, and centuries of evolution. Personally, these star-mattered creations are probably the chillest homies to be around. Their fashion is always primed, they enforce their boundaries quite well, can satisfy their social needs, and won’t ever rat you out to authorities. 

Baby Fashion

To the resentment of many parents, not all babies are cute or adorable or gorgeous. There are tons upon tons of ugly babies out there. But, regardless of their grotesque physical appearance, dressing them to look the most aesthetically pleasing is possible. Baby fashion is actually one of the best parts of owning a baby. It’s one of the few times a human can rock overalls without being asked if they had a hard day on the pineapple farm or exhausted themselves at the mechanic shop sexually harassing women who just need an oil change. The little buttons flinging over their body strap them in, create a sense of being in the womb again, and enforce their authority at the Met Gala.

Onesies also create a sense of reassurance and trust toward their peers. These multilayered pieces of fabric sewn together ensure they are comfortable in any situation, especially funerals. Their comfort is a parent’s number one priority, as it should be. Using itchy textures will disrupt the baby’s happiness, ruining your mom’s third wedding. You can’t explain to the baby why they must respect the bride’s finicky details; they don’t understand what you are saying. Frankly, they don’t understand anything, but that’s covered more later on. They’re babies—talking to them about social cues won’t work; it’ll just confuse their little, undeveloped brains. 

Does this mean they don’t know when they are matching their family’s outfits? No. No, it doesn’t. They understand fashion at this age; it’s one of the few aspects of life they have a full grasp on since being forced out of their moist rent-controlled apartment. They know what is trending, what is stylistic, and what is acceptable. Most fashion conglomerates know this, which is why Boss Baby isn’t a fictitious movie; it’s a documentary peeping into the world of blood-soaked business deals.

Throwing up on you, throwing up on you, and throwing up on you may be a sign of good luck to the West, but it’s actually them trying to help you with your own sense of fashion. Babies want you to know your outfit of the day shouldn’t be shared on Instagram or TikTok. If anything, it’s an attack on what costume designers have been dedicating decades of their lives for—beauty, synergy, and death. Similar to how funerals are meant to highlight the deceased as their best looking self, fashion for babies is all they have. They can’t make decisions about their life. They need others’ physicality to assist them, which is why fashion is such a crucial aspect in their life.

Soiling themselves is just another method of notifying you, their parent or kidnapper, they are dissatisfied with their and your appearance. Not only are they unhappy, but they are disgusted with the shirt you put on them saying “chick magnet”, “boob inspector”, and “adorable monster”. They don’t feel remorse when ruining the interior of your car or your brand-new white rug because, in truth, you devastated their reputation. These infants desire something beautiful but contemporary. Not what you wore when you were a child—a time when punks and emos fought over who was the most edgy. These baby boundaries are up-front and clear. Don’t overstep.

Baby Lifestyle

Despite what most new parents say, babies are always down for a nap. It doesn’t matter where they are, what time it is, or the political climate within the country they are residing in, they will nap until their brains are energized enough to cry for hours on end. Sure, they can be startled awake from a catastrophic fart, but they will, ultimately, fall back asleep when lulled into submission. Don’t believe me? Go to Disneyland. Go. Right now. Countless babies are trying to fall asleep while their parents attempt to force them onto Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, Peter Pan’s Adventure, or Space Mountain. 

Speaking of women empowerment, babies also know where to find the best food. It’s going to be breast milk, but it is still the best thing to consume when hungry and babies know this. It’s ingrained into their being to seek out darly colored circles with a tip. They, quite literally, can’t get enough of the juices seeping from human udders. And, if you have never tried this lactation, then you are missing out on a game-changing aspect of being with a breastfeeding mother. Don’t waste any more time and ask your neighbor, sister, or local unhoused if they have extra lying around. You won’t regret taking a trip down mammary lane. 

Defecating in their least favorite outfit means they are unhappy with their outfit and crying during the day or night means they want breast milk. Adults would do this, but walking around in shit-stained pants sends a different message. That you need to better train your hole while at a WeHo based spa. Babies are quite simple creatures; they want to look nice, consume human-made organics, and to pee in a sink. 

Peeing in the sink is mainly attributed to frat bros trying to impress their sorostitute, but babies crave the feeling of a granite or iron sink under their tuckus. Peeing in a sink is an immense level of gratification most people chase until they overdose from Molly while at their niece’s birthday party. Their giggles are enough to power Chernobyl nuclear reactor #4 and would have prevented the dissolution of a fascist empire. They could not care less you use the sink to wash the dishes you eat on. Nothing will stop them from peeing in the sink. As a matter of fact, even seeing a sink will activate a sleeper gene in their body, causing them to urinate immediately. You may be at the White House, living life, but they will unleash the floodgates as soon as they see a hole where water, oil, and grease go. But, to be frank, it’s on you. Why are you even entering a room with a sink? 

Baby Intelligence

It doesn’t matter if they are two hours old, two weeks old, or two months old, babies are pretty clueless. This isn’t a bad thing, though. This incompetence and nonchalant attitude toward life is commendable. They aren’t angered when someone corrects them about their outdated beliefs; they don’t cry when a passerby explains the problems with multi-level marketing schemes; nor do they grow frustrated when having to organize blueprints for the next NASA launch. They are just there—vibing. 

This complete ignorance to how the world works is genuinely an amazing biological feature for parents, babysitters, and dingos. They aren’t going to bore you with mundane conversations about the benefits of cryptocurrency nor will they force you to listen to their diatribe regarding the ethics of Judaism, Christianity, or Islam. There’s nothing worse than a bar patron trying to follow you around so they can speak about everything they learned from attending the same church since they were born. Babies, the chillest homies, just sit there—staring into your soul. Not only is this nonconsensual gaze magnifying how beautiful you are, but it shows they are happy to listen to your rants and lectures as long as you hold them like a sack of potatoes. 

They don’t want to exhaust you with useless facts, but they will hold an ear up for you and your interests. They won’t waste a second spewing useless facts about Hollywood or Turkmenistan; they just want to listen to you and become your best friend. It doesn’t matter if you are on a turbulent cruise ship, rowdy comedy club, or ineffective Spartan Race, they are happy to be held. They don’t even care if you commit a crime in their presence or tell them about your latest trophy.

Baby Crime

One of the hardest parts of being an adult, especially an American middle-aged, is the fact you won’t be able to avoid the constant crime. With there being so many frivolous laws, you are bound to commit a crime going about your daily routine. There is no stopping this. It doesn’t help that a majority of friends are willing to snitch on you to the blue piggies roaming the street. These “friends” will instantly rat you out if you have committed a harmless murder, which is one of the main reasons for the social decay running rampant across the globe. 

Thankfully, babies won’t speak grass to the Bengas making life worse. It doesn’t matter what you did—murder, murder, or murder—they will happily keep your secret hidden until they grow up enough to develop a corrupted ethical state. Honestly, you could pin the crime on the baby and they won’t even care. They’ll request “uppies” from the arresting officer and be satisfied with how tight the handcuffs are on them.

As a matter of fact, babies have been known to run the yard whenever they are incorporated onto prison grounds. Why do they succeed so well in incarceration? For three, they are cute, fashionable, and patient, ensuring they know how to communicate to others without allowing their emotions manipulating their actions. They understand how valuable these traits are, which is why they come out of the female delivery system ingrained with prisonyard values. 

Baby Conclusion

Without babies, we wouldn’t have most forms of life. Without babies, we wouldn’t have the technologies we do today. Without babies, the Capitalists would overtake the planet and erode our civilization into absolute erosion. We need babies by our side to ensure we are prepared for any kind of potentially problematic conversation or boring prison sentence. They are our saviours and they are happy to be here. Altogether, babies should be lauded as the greatest gift from biological evolution. I wouldn’t own one, though. I’m the only one who can wear diapers.